My 12 Months of Healing

The medical professionals say it is not treatable, and that is what research supports, but I am hopeful that with certain changes, I may have beautiful, spot-free skin, and I will love it! I will try! It will take time, I’m sure, but I’m gonna give it a shot.

This coming year I am planning to focus on healing my body. My main impetus was due to something I have been embarrassed to admit I thought I had. I first noticed an issue on my calves one morning while talking on the phone 9 years ago.

I was outside sitting in the sun with my legs up on my back porch bench. I noticed a few white spots on my calves. I made note of them to my friend, Tara, figuring they must have been my body’s response to living in the Florida sun, again, after some 20 + years. My friend told me it might be a fungus, but I had no desire to accept her possible diagnosis, and dismissed it, attending to, and preferring, instead, my own.

Years later, my 3 little spots had spreading majorly. I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed with Tinea versicolor, a fungus. Creep! A freakin’ fungus!

She was right! I was told to stay out of the sun too, that this was common in people in sub-tropical and tropical environments.

I’m a fan of polka-dots, a big fan, but just not on my legs!! The doctor I consulted did not give me much help or hope. I can’t remember what he said other than stay out of the sun, and it will likely clear itself up in a few months or it will never go away. Something like that. I felt defeated already. A fungus! He may have offered me some remedy, but I took nothing other than maybe a topical which I bought on my own which did nada.

I internalized on some level I would not win against a fungus so did not seriously pursue remedies after my initial fail. But, if I were to try and was to win it, I would require a whole lot of discipline and commitment to what ever remedy(s) might be necessary. I was not up for it. Fungi are rough!

The same year I noticed the white spots, I’d also gotten ringworm for the first time, also a fungus, and a respiratory infection from…another fungus, black mold, spewing from my A/C unit. That lasted for almost a month until I cleaned out my A/C. My respiratory infection subsequently cleared up tout suite.

I have since wondered if that is what caused this infection, though they are not even the same genus.

Well, nine years later, I’m legs fulla polka dots. My brother even commented to me this year at the beach, “What are those white spots on your legs?” Greaaat! They’re visibly noticeable from a distance! Poop!

Skin
When I took this picture, I literally cried when I saw the up close shot of it. It made me so sad to see what bad shape my skin was in.

The Fight Is On

So, many years later, my initial fail and interest in terms of persisting on getting rid of this fungus had gone by the wayside. I have been fighting back! This MUST go!

I have been fighting back with: Selson Blue (fungal fighter) to wash my body. I bought Epsom salts to bath in, I take garlic pills to help kill the fungus from the inside-out, drink Pau d’ Arco tea for the same reason, and use cinnamon bark extract all over my lower extremities too. I smell spicy! Finally, I’ve been ingesting coconut oil, but I think I bought that initially because I’d been having brain fog – an potential result of yet another fungus, candida, but I don’t have that one! Oh yeah, and I’ve also taken billions of probiotics recently too!

What I’ve read is this Tinea is actually a commensal fungus – it is found naturally on our skin, but when the immune system is compromised and the populations of bacteria on our skin are reduced, they can take over – just like when women get a yeast infection from taking an antibiotic. That is what actually happens in the vagina – bacteria and fungus are present most everywhere – the bacteria get killed off due to the antibiotic, and the yeast, the candida, take over as a result, until the good bacterial population is restored. Balance is important! Population Ecology 101.

Misdiagnosed

So, the other night I go to Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt Judy’s house where I get to see one of my cousins I haven’t seen in years. He’s a top Mohs surgeon and dermatologist. I planned on hitting him up for some serious treatments for the fungus. I figured he could, and would, be able to help me. I felt hopeful. I was glad, too, because I felt that was the perfect time. I’d already begun my fight, and figured he’d back me up with some extra ammo to accompany my many treatments. I’d hoped some serious prescribed meds and topicals would kick this thing out! BTW, I’d also quit sugar sometime back, as well, but not because I wanted to ban my fungus from the yumminess of it as well. That would just prove to be another way to benefit the health of my skin.

I held off my fungal informative and med request until well after dinner, not wanting to gross anyone out. I just came out with it to my cousin: “I need your help.” I was serious. He inquired as to what. “I need the strongest anti-fungal medication you can prescribe for me, and I’d like three different kinds of it to cover all my bases, and a topical lotion, to boot. I’d also like a year’s supply of it all.” LOL. Like he’d just take my orders 🙂 How funny is that? I really was serious though. I needed serious treatment for this funky fungi.

My family seemed puzzled as I spoke. “What’s going on?” he asked. “I have Tinea.”  “Let me see.” I walked over to him, pulled up my pant leg, exposed my leg, and balanced myself with my hand on his head while he looked at my creepy little spots. He responded quite quickly, “You don’t have Tinea,” was his prompt diagnosis. You have Idiopathic Guttate Hypomelanosis. Stop doing what you’re doing. You don’t need to be doing all that stuff.” He was adamantly soft.

The Skeptical Observer

He asked me if I wanted him to write it down. “No, I’m aware of it.” I’d previously found this online as well, but believed it was still Tinea or some other fungus because of how it behaved and looked. I wasn’t buying the sunspot bit from the internet anymore than I was internalizing it from my cousin.

Idiopathic Guttate Hypomelanosis is a condition whereby the skin stops producing melanin, creating little white spots, but docs don’t know why, the Iiyopathic bit, and it is exacerbated by the sun, supposedly, too, which I got a heck of a lot this summer perhaps increasing these babes to the point of where they are now. Ike!

The problem I have with ths IGH diagnosis is many fold. First, I’m supposed to stay out of the sun because it contributes to it, yet the sun actually creates more melanin when we are exposed to it, so that’s anomalous but dermatologists insist the sun is what causes this hyopmelanosis. So, I’m a little confused at this contradiction. Although, maybe my DNA has mutated somehow and created this condition or there is some weird autoimmune thing going on associated with this. At any rate…I appreciated the diagnosis because it made me feel less the leper and more just a result of my sub-tropical environment.

Even know Will, is a dermatologist, and the first doc I went to was a doc in a walk-in clinic with no specialization, especially in the area of the skin, I was reluctant to believe what I have isn’t a fungus because of the fungal nature of what I’ve observed over the years, and what it looks like. But I also want to believe it is in fact IGH because it gives me hope I can beat it! My thought, since it is NOT a fungus, I can heal myself more easily. There is hope for me to restore my body, somehow, according to me:).

My Belief in Healing through Nutrition

My belief is that if the body has what it needs to heal, it will. My belief is that what causes diseases are often related to nutrient deficiencies, but that association is not honored publicly. It seems highly logical to me. Give the body what it needs, it will heal, unless the genes are mutated that control what mechanisms or pathways regulate a system. The body should be able to be in perfect health, as we are designed, given adequate nutrition. I love this marvelous machine that is our bodies! We are miraculous.

Beliefs in tact, here I am. I am ready to fight for my skin. I believe that what ever this condition is, I can treat it with a better diet. Maybe I need to stay out of the sun so much, and use sunscreen even when I’m not at the beach, which I will, but there is still more to this, maybe. It’s only gotten worse over the years, not better. There is still something missing, I think. I am going to try and find out what that is!

I know Will and the medical profession say it is not treatable, and that is what research supports, but I am hopeful that with certain changes, I may have beautiful, spot-free skin, and I will love it! I will try! It will take time, I’m sure, but I’m gonna give it a shot.

I’ve had this progressive, chronic condition for 9 years. I had a vision recently, this past month, where the spots were flying off my thighs. I’m going to faithfully believe what I saw!

Focus Forward

So, my plan, I am merging it with something I thought to do last year, but last year wasn’t specifically focused. My more focused plan, this year: to focus on the health of my 12 body systems, 1 each month, and with a specific focus on my skin’s health.

I’ve already started cleansing this month, and the following 12 months will lead me in a much more interesting field of learning and exploration, as I delve deeper into my health in new ways.

I will chart what I am doing to get rid of this “untreatable” condition.

I will focus on how to promote the health of each of the 12 body systems, what exercise I might do to benefit them, healthy supplements that promote their health, scientific evidence that supports their best functioning, mental and spiritual relationships to food, and…my favorite, food itself, that will enrich my body’s systems. I will throw in some healthy tidbits, and mindsets that will help facilitate healthy ways of living. I will aim to hit every one of the 12 systems in one capacity or another over the next 12 months while I heal!!

Healing to Come

So, come, join me in my journey as I aim to cleanse, this month, and heal the rest.

My goal is to heal my body from this this funky condition. My goal will cause me to heal. I will achieve healing when I seek it passionately. More will come from it though. New heights will allow new visions. The domino effect will take effect while one good thing will lead to another. Throughout this year, I will be excited to see what happens as I learn more about the relationships which exist among my body systems, partake of new foods, exercises, and experiments. As I explore the many facets of my new health regime, I will be led to what health means to me and looks like for me. I will look forward to all this coming year has to offer me.

May you be inspired as you team up with me to learn, engage, and put your body to healing and wholeness. I know I will.

Here’s to my health! Here’s to our health.

Holly 

P.S. My other health needs include:

Knee, tendon, cartilage restoration from arthritis and torn meniscus (connective tissue focus:)), and a spinal curvature issue from who knows what – running too much on a bum, post-surgical knee??

🙂

Being Objective. Becoming Strong.

I went to the gym today. It’s the first time I’ve worked out there in a while. I’ve been to yoga a couple of times, but now, I am set on going for more – to get out of my chair – a habit I’ve begun to fall into after work because I’ve worked a lot of 12 – 14 hour days in the past 3 weeks. I’m going to make a better choice. I know that working out makes me better – more diligent, more energetic, more into life.

So, I dragged myself there. Wasn’t into it at all, but there was an inkling of excitement that I was doing it.  I was there about an hour and worked out about 50 mins. I started in a spinning class. Not into it. Thought I might get hurt for some reason. Thought to go and watch The Five instead while I rode the bike upstairs. Bored. Went to the elliptical. Saw a woman who I’ve never seen with such energy before – she had a pep in her step and every part of her body! She was so energetic I thought she might be on something, but think she must’ve just been really into her Zumba class. I may take her class another day though Zumba is not my thing. It made me smile just watching her so peppily prancing around fully in every single move, and they were not all easy moves, and they were so fast. Not sure I’ll be able to do everything, but it will jazz me up. End up treadmilling: walking and running and walking, and finally stretching and hitting a couple of machines before I left, mildly sweating, but not soaked, as I would have been if I spun!

Listening to David Jeremiah in the background, and he is talking about self-discipline and the Holy Spirit and how we need Him to have it.  For sure. In listening to him, it is exactly where I am – practicing self-discipline right now to develop new habits and restore my body to it’s strength😊

It’s been interesting to look into my life objectively. I’ve been doing that over the past three days – seeing me in my life, where I am now, and what I am not doing with it with my free time. I’m glad I am not beating myself up or bogging myself down with my reality. My reality is good, but it’s got me alone and not engaged in anything out side of work. There’s been a lot of t.v. time and food involved. It’s okay. I realize I’m transitioning. It’s time to make some decisions.

It’s interesting how when we are objective we can make better decisions. I feel that way. I’m clearer because there is less static due to me not objecting to my behavior, but merely looking at it for what it is and where I am in my process right now.

In being more objective with where I am and deciding on what to do, instead of responding to my behavior objectionably, I’m able to choose a path reasonably.

I’ve just looked out on my life, as if I am out of my body looking into to my behaviors, actions, patterns, thoughts. Whatever I am feeling and experiencing, I am doing so as a spectator only, allowing myself to go through the motions, but aware of them and their consequences. There’s simply an assessment. Do you want this life? This is what you are doing. Is it getting you anything? Do you want this? Things are good, but if I do more, I will have more, and what do I want? It will not some on it’s own. I have needed a bit of downtime for certain due to the schedule I’ve had to keep these past weeks, but there is a new awareness in my life. What will I do with my time remains to be seen in a moment by moment basis, but I am aware and that IS GOOD.

My failure to perform on a large scare has had to do with the amount of what I feel I have or need to do. Do you ever feel you have so much to do in your life you are paralyzed by it and do nothing?

I’ve felt that way for the past 10 years almost. It’s debilitating. I’m making progress little by little, but also felt I’ve made no true progress, really. Maybe it’s just following through and finishing.

So, the sitting in my chair is partly due to strenuous work schedule and partly to do with debilitating, overwhelming nature of all my ideas and goals. Ike! So, objectivity is suiting me well and getting me motivated. I have found in the past that judgment is like a nerve-agent – paralyzing me into doing nothing. It’s just me. No one holding me back but me, if I so choose. No dog, no man, no kids, rarely see friends and family, so I have a lot of time! Well, not really, but I must do more than just watch television all the time with what little time I do have because that is so wasteful most of the time!

There is more to my lack of motivation, and I’ve realized, in part, it is because if I feel there is no reason to do my goals, like they will have not benefit, then why do them? It’s an odd place, but it’s partly where I am and another topic maybe for another time.

Anyway, coming home tonight, I felt good. Not that I’d had a great workout, but because I made the decision and I followed through on it, and I knew I was interested in going back, and not to get a better body, though I am looking forward to that, but to be stronger.

I ran a little bit tonight, but was worried about my knee locking up and the fact that I haven’t in awhile so I was worried about how strong my knees are. I took it easy and ran only 10 minutes. That was what sparked my desire to work out more – to become stronger. At 48, I don’t like the fact that I feel a wee-bit feeble in my knees when I run, and had some issues this summer that led the doc to tell me no more running. So, my goal is to be strong.

There’s nothing like being strong. Knowing it is good too. Having your strength zapped or not being able to walk hardly – anything so simple that many of us do regularly and take advantage of, to be able to run freely and walk down the stairs without wobbling, is awesome. Strength feels so good. How do you feel? Do you feel strong? It’s a super feeling!

So, that is my new goal: Being Strong. I’m looking forward to this.

Here’s to good choices, following through, and being strong!

Holly

What I like about Me. What I am Celebrating about Me:)

Celebrating me. My birthday was earlier this month which had me reading my birthday card from a friend of almost 30 years – crike!. One of the things he suggested was to celebrate all month. I thought I would take this to heart, but I did not know what that meant to me or would look like. So, I thought what I might celebrate. Came up with ways to celebrate me, like taking myself to the salon to get a mani-pedi or to go get a massage – neither of which I ever did.

I got a bit derailed early on because of a tiff I had with my housemate that left me distracted. 10 days later, last night found me laying in bed thinking about making the best of me, my life, what I want for this year, how I will achieve what I want, and back to celebrating who I am and what that would look like. What I came up with was simply what is worth celebrating me for – what would I celebrate about myself if I could, because I am 🙂

My natural inclination for some time has been to be highly critical. I have heard by people that I am a perfectionist. One of my bosses first told me this some years back. I had no idea, but when I told it to my aunt, she totally agreed. Maybe I was. I finally did come to terms with it, but have since let go of it’s strong hold on me. It’s pretty freeing.

I have found my inclination for scrutiny, and perhaps also criticism, has likely come from my inner teacher, but mainly from living in a world for a period of time where I grew up where there were lots of lies and justifications for things that I felt were either unjustifiable or were excuses for people to behave badly, but I of which I never bought. Now, as an adult I have little tolerance for b.s. I can be real with what I know and believe now, and will call myself, or others, on the b.s.

I know for a long time I only looked at what was wrong with me – putting myself down. Never building myself up. I am not big on putting down myself – I realize what my issues are and ask for the Lord’s help in overcoming them, however, but I have learned that putting me down only keeps me down. I can still celebrate who I am while also working on changing what needs changing.

When thinking about celebrating me, I found things to celebrate. I thought, “What do I like about me?” I lay in bed last night stunned that the ideas were brimming. In a celebratory factor, I went for it, not worrying about boasting, because I was simply honoring where I am in this journey in which I presently am, and I like it.

I also took this idea to work with me this morning – asking every one of my students to say 1 thing they like about who they are – mentally, physically, spiritually – what ever they like. I realize many of us are scrutinizing, and we often overlook the good while under the scope, so my prayer this morning was to honor my students. What “I” came up with was to ask them, “What do you like about you?” What I found was no surprise – it was difficult for many to find anything they like. Sad too. I stayed with them until they came up with something. I put it in their minds and encouraged them to continue looking for things in themselves to honor, and to build themselves up, but also to work on what may see in themselves that needs improving, and to do that also.

So, here’s what I found for me. These are some items I like about me, what I feel celebratory about for me! Maybe I I will come up with more later, but for now, here’s what I’ve got: I’ve got dozens of reasons to celebrate me.

Here goes: What I like about Me:

  1. I like that I am curious
  2. I like that my body responds well to health food and fitness quickly
  3. I like that I can eat a lot and burn it quickly – I like my enzymes!
  4. I like my mind
  5. I like that I am cheerful and able to cheer up myself
  6. I like that I know the word of God and believe it
  7. I like that I am a faithful woman
  8. I like that I practice the word of God
  9. I like that prayers of mine are heard by God and answered
  10. I like that I know the Lord and He knows me
  11. I like that I am my own best friend
  12. I like that I have done a couple of triathlons
  13. I like who I am as a little sister to my brother
  14. I like that I prize truth and beauty most of all
  15. I like that I love love
  16. I like that I love nature and find beauty within it
  17. I like that I love
  18. I like that I am hopeful
  19. I like that I am positive
  20. I like that I am encouraging to myself and to others
  21. I like that I am silly
  22. I like that I am fun
  23. I like that I am spontaneous
  24. I like that I am kind and friendly
  25. I like that I am full of peace
  26. I like that I am interested in plants and medicine
  27. I like that I like science
  28. I like that I am privileged feeling – that I know my every day  conveniences are privileged. I like that I enjoy simple pleasures, plane rides, coffee, breakfast on Sunday mornings in an outdoor café with the sun shining and cool breeze and bustle around me
  29. I love my sight – I like that I am grateful for it and my taste buds.
  30. I like that I know what I like and don’t like in relationships
  31. I like that I like people
  32. I like that I know that I get to be me and what that means
  33. I like that I have come around and let hate go and find love in my eyes where I see my mom
  34. I like that I can state my mind and I know the importance of speaking my truth
  35. I like that I know my hardships have brought me here and that I see
  36. I like that I make myself matter now
  37. I like that I know what responsibility feels like and like that I like how it feels
  38. I like that I like myself at 48
  39. I like that I am susceptible to suggestions – like the written statement in my birthday card to “celebrate all month” led me here – to figure out what that would look like for me? I have come up with things about myself to celebrate and here is what I have come up with so far – celebrating what I like about me.
  40. I like that I have stopped stopping at critical and constructing something from it instead.
  41. I like that I have taken my mom’s suggestion to enjoy getting to know every aspect of who I am, and to take the time to get to know me and then to be her, and to love all of the parts of being me.
  42. I like that I like a challenge
  43. I like that I have an adventurous spirit
  44. I like that I am a child at heart – fun and playful and kind
  45. I like that I am serious
  46. I like that I am discerning
  47. I like that I am better at decision making
  48. I like that seek peace within myself, with others
  49. I like that I am cute and I like that I like cute
  50. I like that I am honest
  51. I like that my body is aging well
  52. I like that I focus on for what I have to be grateful
  53. I like that I reset my mind
  54. I like that I have taken risks in important relationships
  55. I like that I do not cave when I am threatened with losing what matters to me over losing what is true to me, even when what matters is a dear member of my family
  56. I like that I love smart
  57. I like that I like to serve, to give, and to contribute to making others happy
  58. I like that I am an over-comer
  59. I like that I seek to be better
  60. I like that I like to play games
  61. I like that I dress well – most days (highly subjective)
  62. I like that I have good taste (also highly subjective)
  63. I like that I am creative
  64. I like that I am a good dancer
  65. I like that I am open-minded
  66. I like that I am fair
  67. I like that I am happy
  68. I like that I have a good work ethic – I am a dedicated worker
  69. I like that I am productive
  70. I like that I like who I am:)

What are you likely to celebrate about you?  There are many. Embrace the lovely.

Holly

 

Finding Thanks and Promises in Psalm 34

I read this psalm today and it jumped out at me as a gratitude prayer. It made me so full of thanks. I have heard about the promises in the bible, but the way I read this today, thanks is all I saw, and I rewrote it, then, to match my gratitude from the scripture, and from which also found a promise in each line of the scripture.

Psalm 34 Thanks

I read this psalm today and it jumped out at me as a gratitude prayer. It made me so full of thanks. I have heard about the promises in the bible, but the way I read this today, thanks is all I saw, and I rewrote it, then, to match my gratitude from the scripture, and from which I also found a promise in each line of the scripture.

Having checked to see for what purpose this Psalm was written, David wrote it pretending to be mad in order to escape a King. Odd, but for me, I was filled with heart-felt gratitude and promise.

May you find thanks in our every day and be filled with promise as you praise. He inhabits the words of our praises. Psalm 22:3.

Holly

Thank you for hearing me when I seek You.

Thank you for delivering me from all my fears.

Thank you that I can look to you and be radiant, and my face is not ashamed.

Thank you for hearing me in my poverty.

Thank you for saving me out of my troubles.

Thank you that Your angel encamps around me because I fear You, and am delivered.

Thank you that I have tasted and seen that You are good.

Thank you that I am blessed because I trust You. (Thank you for all the times I have needed you and you have shown yourself strong in my life. Thank you that my soul boasts in You.)

Thank you that I want for nothing because I fear you.

Thank you that I seek you and lack no good thing.

Thank you that Your eyes are on me, your righteous, and your ears are open to my cry.

Thank you that You hear me, and You deliver me out of all my troubles.

Thank you for being near to me when I have had a broken heart and saving me because of my contrite spirit.

Thank you that though I have had many afflictions, You have delivered me out of them all.

Thank you for guarding my bones and breaking none of them.

Thank you for redeeming my soul.

Thank you that because I trust in You, I will not be condemned.

 

I love this. Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to these passages in a new way, and thank you that I see You through these passages in a new way, and I am better knowing You are through this Psalm.

Holly

The Captor of My Raptor

I will need God’s continual! help and grace certainly here.

Today I saw a saying by Anais Nin I used to have when I was in my 20’s, and I’m reminded of now.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom! Anais Nin

Sometimes I have visions randomly – like today. My vision was of an eagle emerging head first out of the cushions of the bottom of the couch, eager to get out. His head was unruffled, and he was moving up from it quickly, talons out, pushing upwards and outwards. That was it. I saw it emerge about half way out and the vision ended.

I took it as a good sign. Looking up eagle symbolism left me with a positive note: The  “Eagle conveys the powers and messages of the spirit; it is man’s connection to the divine because it flies higher than any other bird. … If eagle has appeared, it bestows freedom and courage to look ahead. The eagle is symbolic of the importance of honesty and truthful principles.”

My take-away from that was the looking ahead bit.

In my morning prayer today, I was positively making declarations, binding and loosing things from my past that have hindered me, and things to develop that will produce good fruit it me, respectively.  My memory brought to mind a woman who’d given me a reading one year in my 20’s who told me I have a wheel of fortune around me, but I will never “cash” in on it. I bound that up, cast it out today, and loosed upon me diligence and God’s will in my life – for Him to complete what He has begun in me – there are so many things. I have also remembered some of my mom’s writings to me: “Stay away from the psychic – that will lead you down someone else’s path. Stay with the Holy Spirit – that is the only spirit you are equipped to handle.” Also, I was using a lot during those times, – so, maybe that is what he was reading, too. That if I stayed in that state, I never would have accomplished anything. I have had so many ideas and inspirations, and have finished so few.

That has been part of my problem. My interests, plans, ideas, etc. are so many that I have found it difficult to pursue any of them with completion. I have a lot of started projects.

Over the summer, and the reason I started this blog and called it Transparency247 was because of my intention to come out with it all. However, my first intended blog, I have kept because, ironically, too ashamed was I to put it out there because part of it had to do with admitting to God that I would never complete my will in this life, feeling like I just don’t have it in me. The good thing is that God is in charge! I do still have a part to play, and part of that is asking God for his help in and with accomplishing my goals. Laziness is what I need to get rid of, and it is found on the couch which it seems, once I sit on, is hard to get off. It’s like Velcro. And, my excuses kept me down, also. I work so hard I want to relax, etc! I’d justified my way into complacency!!

God is able to do more than we can ever imagine, according to Ephesians.  3:19 – 21 Image result for eph 3 19 - 21

Turning my will over to God is the Key. Set your sights on Him, and He will direct your  paths. Proverbs 3:6. Key. Easy. Keep turning over and keep trusting Him. He is in charge.

“How can a man know his steps, the Lord directs His way,” Proverb 20:24.  Also, getting with the program and making my plans, God will take care of it, according to Proverbs 16:9:

Path In A Man's Heart

How can I worry if I keep trusting God and turning over my will, seeking His will, and trusting him? He will make it all right, and I will be in perfect peace. I have to trust and pray. That’s all. Well, do good, love God and others, and everything else will take care of itself. Oh yea, I have to actually take steps to accomplish my goals, too. That’s the kicker. I will need God’s continual! help and grace certainly here. This is what’s hindered me in the past, but I have to move on beyond it.

Today I saw a saying by Anais Nin I used to have when I was in my 20’s, and I’m reminded of now.

Image result for and the day came when the risk of remaining tight in a bud

I am reminded also of the verse in the bible that talks about discipline in Hebrews 12:10:

Our fathers disciplined us for a short time as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, so that we may share in His holiness.

11 No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful.Later on, however, it yields a peaceful harvest of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

So, today, my steps were toward success; My wheel of fortune; My raptor flying free, and  Accomplishing My God-inspired Goals with His Help.

Discipline is calling. Diligence is necessary. Deliverance is assured!

I am ready to be free. I am ready to fly high.

Image result for he will mount up wings eagles

Podcast: Malachi Daughter and Dad

Malachai 4:6 And the Lord will turn the hearts of the father’s to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Had this prayed over me for me and my pop for a harmed relationship we had, and within a week I had grace pour over me randomly, washing out my hurt and pouring in the love and compassion of the Father for my dad. We would have a new relationship from that point forward.

Here are some excerpts from the audio file, below.

I told him in an email. I wrote it with the intention of hopefully coming clean with everything with respect to how I felt about him and that type of treatment, everything hoping he’d acknowledge me, that my feelings matter – I even used my siblings hurt too about some of his behavior toward them with respect to this, which maybe I shouldn’t have – it crossed a line. I just told him all of the hurts. I was done pretending, and my build-up, boiled over.

I was honest. I was a little mean too, I guess. It included my fears and hurts about some ways he’d treated me over the years and how I was not interested in that relationship anymore. I wanted and deserved more and better from him. For us.

We had this relationship much of my life where he would do what he would do and I would just accept it whether I liked it or not because mostly I wanted him to love me, and I did not want to rock the boat so I wouldn’t tell him how certain behaviors affected me. I would just blow it off – accepting it as him.

My hope, that he would treat what I was saying with some kind of respect and honor what little I was asking. I was hoping for a somewhat favorable response. Not. He answered, “I think it best that we no longer communicate with one each other. You’ve crossed a line.”

Anyway, though I felt resolved and good for me for taking myself and my feelings into consideration finally, more than his for once, I still wanted my dad. I’d always wanted my dad. That never goes away. I believe even if we are right or justified with our actions, the case remains that we wish for our parents to love us and to be the mature, guiding family they are intended to be, and to do what is right, always – for everyone, but they don’t always.

I believe that if we are without a good relationship with our parents, it hurts us. We are made to love and to be loved, you’d think especially by those who brought us into this world.

Accepting what he wrote, and taking full responsibility for what I wrote, my reply to him was, in effect, “I am sorry for what I wrote in that it came across meanly, but, I am in no way sorry for the content of what I wrote. What I wrote was all true, and if you cannot handle that, then that is on you, but I will in no way apologize for what I said.”

I felt strong and right for having stuck up for myself. It was the first time in my life with my dad like that. I left it at that. I was glad I didn’t feel diminished. Though I was sadly devastated, I was glad not to have caved, and wrote something back weak and self-denying, like, “Oh forgive me, I am so sorry, I don’t mean it. Please forgive me. Come back.” Essentially begging him not to leave me all the while not acknowledging the truth of who I was and how I have felt hurt by how he had treated me in certain situations. I was tired of the denial and deceit of what not standing up for me represented – a façade, as saying to myself that I don’t matter. I wasn’t willing to tolerate behavior that was deceitful nor was I willing to let myself down anymore essentially accepting that I did not matter. If I don’t matter, then let’s be true with it. I was done with all of that though. I could at least stand tall even know I was a sad on some level too.

Bankable Memories – A Birthday Surprise for Mike and a Training Surprise for Me

So, my trip to supporting my family friend turned about to be supportive to me, as well. Blessings go both ways!! 😊
What a loving gift I got, too, as I went to celebrate him! I got celebrated, too, for my training.

My memory will have that moment forever, for how happy he seemed for some reason, and what a fun moment that was!

August 1

My ex-brother-in-law, Mike, had a birthday yesterday. He’s got to be pushing 70 or more – quite a bit older than my sister, he was.

Yesterday I thought to go and spend the day with him. In the morning, I had a flat and had to work out. Prayed about it in the a.m. with respect to having a confirmation of pwhat I was feeling. I opened the bible, and what I turned to was in Psalms, I believe, and it said something about “birthday feast.” Perfect. That settles it.

Went to take my car in and do my training, and by the time I got back it was after noon. I cleaned up myself and felt like I’d rather relax on the couch which is where I found myself sitting doing just that.

It was after 1, and the drive across 70 through FL is my most boring, hated, 3-hour drive, and with no radio!

I consulted the Lord again, what should I do? Do you really want me to go? I got a word from Isaiah that read, “Set you mind on the highway.” I was so excited because it was so clear and, I called Mike and let him know of my plan. Happily, he was out a dock bar having a birthday celebration with some friends and locals.  I asked if he’d be around later, and he said he had no plans. I told him was planning on coming over and taking him out for a birthday dinner! “Yah!” was his great response, in his cute Mike fashion that he does when he’s really excited. It’s so cute like a young kid.

I got off the couch immediately and gladly got about my business. Cleaned up a bit here, packed my bags and readied myself for the highway for the birthday feast celebration. I was so excited for Mike’s excitement and for having clear direction, my road trip woes were destroyed.

I prayed too the trip be shorter, somehow. When my GPS sent me a different way than I’d always gone it’s shaved a half hour off my trip! Yah!!

I got Mike a couple little silly things – a “birthday cupcake” which he requested. It was a chocolate muffin he called a “cupcake,” a card and some candy, a birthday balloon, and that was it. Not much. My visit, and the dinner, were the gifts. Thought he should have a card at least. Something to open! 😊

When I arrived, I sung to him after he opened the door for a quick happy birthday to you – he laughed and took it in.  We greeted each other warmly.

Mike wanted chicken parm which we eventually went out for and had a yummy feast! He was happy! I ate so much. He barely finished his dinner, because he had tacos for lunch he claimed, making him full, whereas I’d only had a tuna sandwich after an hour and a half at the gym, barely anything all day. I was ready to eat. Salad, bread, stuffed mushroom appetizer and a pasta and chicken dish. I ate almost every bit of it. A café latte and biscotti to boot. Mike was too full for a birthday cake, but had a “classic coffee,” as he puts it.  We chatted for some time. He shared how happy he was with the everything which made me pleased! Felt glad it was birthday feast success which was worth the trip over!

My plan the following morning was to train. My legs and knee felt good, gladly. Figured I would run first being it was about the time I would be running, 8:45, and I was working on proper conditioning. I was going for the distance for Saturday, 3.2 miles, a 5K. Planning on running around his neighborhood 4 times, according to him, would likely make that distance. Turns out, I ran 4 miles which was GREAT!!

My morning highlight, after the beautiful morning weather I enjoyed with coffee as I reminisced about Miami weather as a kid, was after making my first lap, seeing Mike in his garage waiting to cheer me on. What a great surprise!! I loved it. It made me so happy. I won’t have anybody at the event with me, so him cheering me on was really special. Bankable memories are what I began accumulating. Rich memories.

One of the things I realized with my run that morning was that like swimming I was originally having a hard time breathing which I’d forgotten – I’ve run little during these 3.2 weeks of training, and haven’t run much at all this summer! So, that was good to realize – that whatever my race, I will find my pace eventually, it may take me a minute or 15 to find my breath and then regulate it, but I’ll get there as long as I don’t panic! So, I felt my pace eventually, and it felt good. Mike even commented on my pace being good, but later told me to pick it up. 😊

I think I loved most what I came next. As I was going for lap two, I saw Mike heading toward me. I did not know it was him for a while. I’m not sure what sparked it, but the smile he had was the best I’ve ever seen on him.

It’s so rare to see a smile from him like that. It was great. Perfect! I’ve termed it one of those “bankable smiles.”

My memory will have that moment forever, for how happy he seemed for some reason, and what a fun moment that was! It was joyous! I’m not sure why or what was said. Maybe it was my laughing at the recognition of it being him coming toward me on my bike! Thought that was funny. He eventually began too with his army chant, “left, right, left, right, left.” He kept on. We laughed. We got back to his place. He eventually pulled in the drive, and I ran on.

He continued to be outside cheering me on, off and on with his coffee in hand, and a wave or cheer and a smile. Something supportive. It was super! I will be so grateful for those sweet memories, always! Fun and memorable are what he made that particular morning of training. It was great. Memorable, for sure. Completely unexpected and fun! Thank you, Mike!!

So, my trip to supporting my family friend turned about to be supportive to me, as well. Blessings go both ways!! 😊

What a loving gift I got, too, as I went to celebrate him! I got celebrated, too, for my training. I won’t have anybody I know cheering me on at the actual event, but, I will see Mike in my head and hear him in my ears as I make my transitions, and I finally cross the finish line winning for myself the title of triathlete.

Me Bike Train 2

Cheers to you, Mike. Thanks, too, for the fun, bankable memories! I love you.

Holly